Why I am "Little Miss Nervous"

Well...something some of you may or may not know. I am one of the most nervous people in the world.
All the time. Worry,Worry,Worry!

It was so bad after Isaac went TDY that I literally didn't step out of my house until today.
I get very anxious. Sometimes I feel like everyone is watching me,or judging me...waiting for me to do something incredibly stupid. This feeling can be crippling.
To be quite honest the only reason at all I left my house today was that I knew I needed to crank the car so it wouldn't die like all of the others,you know...after sitting. (In case you didn't know we have severe bad luck with cars.)
Then I thought to myself..."okay I'll just go out and crank it...I don't have to go anywhere. Psh!"
Immediately after that thought...I could only think "Oh my God my neighbors will see me and think I'm crazy...so now I need to drive somewhere...maybe just the shoppette."
But I realized  that I needed to return some rental movies I had been avoiding. So I gritted my teeth and decided to head out into the world I'm so fearful to be alone in.

One thing I hate about driving here is you have to go through the gates to show your I.D. and talk with the guards. Sometimes its not so bad...but on bad days I dread it. Just trying to stammer out Hello is a nightmare. So I try to at least smile and end up waiting way to late saying Hi back.
Thankfully today the guard himself said "Hi, Are you having a good morning? (It was night) Oh wow I said good morning didn't it?" so all I had to do was say "Yeah"

I never mind going in the post office...after there closed at least.
But the shoppette. Oh. I thought so many times about just turning around and going home. BUT I felt like I was on a mission at this point. So I went of course there were cars every where. I managed to park. So then I'm staring at all the rental options and I grab social network...but decide to wait to watch it with Isaac. So instead of simply putting it back I freak out because there are people standing there and all I can think of is "Oh God there going to think I'm a weirdo,putting this dvd back." So naturally I shove it on a random shelf...I just know those workers LOVE that.

I make my decision and head home...after what feels like a eternity.

Once I'm home...I feel fine. Normal. At ease.
Then I think back to how stupid most of the things I fear are...BUT in that moment they seem so huge. Kinda like when your a teenager and every little bad thing...like plucking to much out of one eyebrow could be the total end of the world.

I don't know why I have days like this. Sometimes I'm so outgoing...you will see me and I'm just bursting with things to say and other days I just don't want to be looked at.
I can't explain it. But I hate it so much.

I hate my anxiety attacks. All I can hope for is that once I'm home they will go away. I know that might not happen,BUT my visits home weren't to bad.

Feeling this way makes me feel like such a freak. I mean who can't go rent a movie or check the mail alone? Me apparently. Am I the only one who struggles with this? Sometimes it sure feels that way.

I'm sure this is the most boring post ever...but for today its all I got and its completely honest. I just hope it doesn't change anyone's view of me. I'm still me. And when I'm with friends it seems to vanish...I just feel this way when I'm alone. I guess that's why the military doesn't work so well for us...I literally turn crazy when Isaac is gone. hah.

Well I guess that's it...hopefully my life is an interesting read for someone out there.