It's been awhile.
So I know I sort of faded out of the blogging world. I had A LOT going on to say the least this past year.
Moved around a lot...but finally settled in (for now) in Columbus. It's treating us well. =)
So why am I awake at 2:18 in the morning resurrecting my dead blog?
Well I just couldn't stop thinking about it.
I left the blog in June with the the start of my new diet. Which was effective...at the time. I lost 11 pounds but then we moved...I started a new job...quit that job and moved some more.
FINALLY we made it to Columbus and things settled down and I'm ready to start again!
This time I'm not following a diet. I'm trying to change my life now. For real.
I'm scared out of my mind.
Since I was a teenager I have been completely obsessed with my weight. I have done many things I am not proud of just to be thin. Things that if I named them all would probably grant me a special on TLC. No I'm not being dramatic. I had a problem.
To say that my problem went away would be a total and complete lie. But I'm dealing with it better now.
When Isaac and I got married I was doing so well. No crazy diet tricks...I was healthy. But then we got to Okinawa and I put on a little weight. No problem I thought...I'm a newlywed it happens. So we started going to the gym together. But still the weight creeped up. I couldn't figure it out. I wasn't eating a cake a day,no crazy fast food days. It was just creeping up on me. I went a little nuts. Buying a scale....measuring myself. Things I hadn't done in a long time. I was also dealing with the anxiety of having a husband in the Air Force...he was never there. Which wasn't his fault at all. He would have (and still will) done anything for me.
But I was in total panic mood. I slipped into my old ways. But this time not eating for 3 or so days wasn't cutting it. Living off cereal wasn't making it okay. Something was wrong.
This time it was a lot harder to hide my 'problem' Isaac knew I was acting weird. He really helped me to I guess eat like a normal person.
Around that time I went to the Doctor for the first time.
I explained my problems and she dismissed me...told me I was wrong (the fool...) Oh and she also told me I need to eat less and work out more! Hah if she only knew me right?
I felt so hopeless.
Isaac helped me by coaching me to run. I tried everything. I worked out so hard everyday. But nothing seemed to help. I didn't gain any serious weight until it was time to come home. Everyone thought STRESS.
And I'm positive that was not helping things but no it wasn't stress.
There were all the other changes. Changes you could only notice if you were close to me. But no one was. Isaac was hardly ever home. And hello! We lived in Japan...so no one could see what was happening to me.
So nearly 5 years later I go to the Doctor again...things were getting worse. Everyone could tell.
I had so many tests done to see what was going on. (Finally people were recognizing something was up!) Once we found out it wasn't my Thyroid I went to another Doctor.
When I told him my story and all my crazy symptoms he was furious.
Not with me...but with my doctor I had spoken with 5 years ago.
The first thing he wanted to do was a surgery called Laparoscopy which was to look around inside my body to find out what was going on. I knew I would finally have some answers.The surgery went fine and as we all suspected I have Stage 1 Endometriosis. Not a big shocker. It's something I had heard about for years and was terrified I had. But the surprise was that I also have something called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS .Which turns out...causes a problem with how my body processed insulin. Hallelujah I'm not crazy!I now know why I put on weight...I have an enemy to look in the face.I like to think that God...knowing me as well as he does knew that he had to take drastic measures with me.I think if I hadn't have developed this I may have never sat down and really thought about how I needed to love body and myself. God gave me this body they way it is for a reason. I was so mean to myself. For what reason? I could try to blame others but lets face it. It was all me. All me.
I have learned over the past few years that there are things in your life you will not be able to control. And that's okay. God takes care of it. Luckily I am now getting the treatment I deserve and I am on the way to loving myself the way I should have always loved myself.
So tomorrow we are grocery shopping for...not a new diet...but a new lifestyle.
I talked with my doctor and the only way for my body to handle the weird thing it likes to do with insulin is to go low-carb.
I'm scared. I don't want to slip back into the food nazi I was before. But I have God on my side. I think with his (and Isaac's!) help I'm going to make it.
It's not about being perfect anymore. It's about loving myself no matter my size.
I don't really know why I had such an urge to write this tonight but I just knew I wouldn't get rest until it was out. I feel better,,,a little bit 'cleaner'.
Whoever is reading this...when you send up your prayers send one up for me!
Thanks,
Little Miss Loves Herself. =D
